just the 3 of us

Last night I made one of the hardest decisions I have made in my life. I decided to let AJ go. He is a great person, and a great father, but at this time in our lives we are just not right for each other. I still have a lot of pain from our past and the things I went through while pregnant with Jaden. I just want to be happy and more than that, I want my babies to be happy. And we all know "if mama ain't happy, aint nobody happy." That is definitely true! The past 24 hours have been so emotionally draining for me and so hard. I'm going back and forth questioning my decision and my feelings. I know that is only natural to do. I know in my heart I did the best thing for myself, Jaden and Kaylie. But of course it's still hard. I went from being in an unstable relationship, getting pregnant, breaking up, trying to make the relationship work again, getting pregnant again, moving on with my life as a single mom, finding happiness as a single mom, dating and trying new relationships, then going back to AJ, being a "house wife" and a mom, taking care of a family, and now back to being a single mom of 2 and trying to find happiness again...all in 2 years. I'm not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I'm just expressing my feelings and I know all you people that read my blog will understand and support me. That is why you are on my blog list and because my blog is private. I need all the strength and support I can get right now. I need to find my strength again and find happiness. It won't take long, but be patient...and the Lauren that most of you know will be back. :) I mean, how can I not be happy when I am a mother of two amazing children? God loves me and my babies and is looking out for us. I am thankful that I have a belief in God and know that everything happens for a reason. What doesn't kill us will only make us stronger! As I layed in bed this morning and cried, I had some kind of an epiphany (if that's the right word to use) and I realized that I have a choice...I can choose to be sad and depressed and dwell on this or I can choose to be happy. I am choosing to be happy. I will say that over and over to myself everyday, for as long as it takes for me to say that I am truly happy. But for now I am okay, and I am okay with it being just the three of us.

I added a song to my playlist it's an old song but Will Smith remade it into his own and wrote it about his first son. It's called Just the Two of Us and ever since I had Jaden, that first time alone with him I sang that song in my head. It's a great song and means a lot to me. I would change the words around a little bit to make it fit our situation, but for the most part it's how I feel about my babies. Just the three of us...we can make it if we try!

Here are the lyrics, enjoy...and take a listen on my playlist.

Just the Two of Us
(Now dad this is a very sensitive subject)
From the first time the doctor placed you in my arms
I knew I'd meet death before I'd let you meet harm
Although questions arose in my mind, would I be man enough?
Against wrong, choose right and be standin up
From the hospital that first night
Took a hour just ta get the car seat in right
People drivin all fast, got me kinda upset
Got you home safe, placed you in your bassinet
That night I don't think one wink I slept
As I slipped out my bed, to your crib I crept
Touched your head gently, felt my heart melt
Cause I know I loved you more than life itself
Then to my knees, and I begged the Lord please
Let me be a good daddy, all he needs
Love, knowledge, discipline too
I pledge my life to you

[Chorus:]
Just the two of us, we can make it if we try
Just the two of us, (Just the two of us)
Just the two of us, building castles in the sky
Just the two of us, you and I

Five years old, bringin comedy
Everytime I look at you I think man, a little me
Just like me
Wait an see gonna be tall
Makes me laugh cause you got your dads ears an all
Sometimes I wonder, what you gonna be
A General, a Doctor, maybe a MC
Haha, I wanna kiss you all the time
But I will test that butt when you cut outta line, trudat
Uh-uh-uh why you do dat?
I try to be a tough dad, but you be makin me laugh
Crazy joy, when I see the eyes of my baby boy
I pledge to you, I will always do
Everything I can
Show you how to be a man
Dignity, integrity, honor an
An I don't mind if you lose, long as you came with it
An you can cry, ain't no shame it it
It didn't work out with me an your mom
But yo, push come to shove
You was conceived in love
So if the world attacks, and you slide off track
Remember one fact, I got your back

[Chorus]

It's a full-time job to be a good dad
You got so much more stuff than I had
I gotta study just to keep with the changin times
101 Dalmations on your CD-ROM
See me-I'm
Tryin to pretend I know
On my PC where that CD go
But yo, ain't nuthin promised, one day I'll be gone
Feel the strife, but trust life does go wrong
But just in case
It's my place
To impart
One day some girl's gonna break your heart
And ooh ain't no pain like from the opposite sex
Gonna hurt bad, but don't take it out on the next, son
Throughout life people will make you mad
Disrespect you and treat you bad
Let God deal with the things they do
Cause hate in your heart will consume you too
Always tell the truth, say your prayers
Hold doors, pull out chairs, easy on the swears
You're living proof that dreams do come true
I love you and I'm here for you

[Chorus to fade]

(This is a good song dad, how much am I gettin paid for this?)