Jaden and Kaylie's daddy had something to say...

AJ was looking at my blog tonight and he asked if he could write something for my blog, so here it is! (Don't forget to scroll down after this blog and see my previous post about Jaden)

From the fingers of the father of the two greatest humans.
It's been a long time coming but I figured it was finally time to add to this blog.
Being a father isn't all how i envisioned. I expected heartache and worrisome days and stressing over meaningless things.
What i discovered is I had assisted in the creation of two of the funniest and most beautiful kids of all time. Now what though, I had already voiced my uneducated and selfish concerns, with panic came bad choices, with panic came decisions that I am living with now. So where could I have gone from there? so I wandered, like a lost wolf away from the pack I made bad judgment decisions after another when all i needed was to look in the eyes of my children to get all the answers I needed. In them is hope, in them is innocence, in them is what I had been longing for a reason, quite simply put, a reason to go on, a reason to smile, a reason to plan for the future...yes a reason. To this day i had never taken my children for granted but I have not been the father figure, scratch that I hadn't been the other parent that my kids needed. I wasn't the break that all mothers need so they can rest, eat or even shower. I wasn't around to get up at night and feed them or put them back to sleep. I had become the second lowliest thing on the earth only behind murderers, a deadbeat dad. Now it was never my intention for this to happen, I come from a two parent home with a strong father and mother and built in family values. Who knows where my head was at but i know where it is now, on my family. My only hope is that they will accept me as such and forgive me for being out of my mind. Nothing will ever take back those absent nights, those days where a break was needed, the diapers not purchased, the cribs not put together, a mother not loved, the money not sent. The mean things I said, nothing will ever take that back. My only hope is that I can be forgiven and be welcomed back into my family. My only hope is that I can be trusted with taking care of my family. That I will be their daddy and not just their father. I've missed first crawls, laughs, walks, solid foods, high chairs, a birthday and even a birth which i can never get back. I just hope I can get back in the circle. The measure of a man is judged upon what he does when faced with adversity. I have faced such and demons and I'm still standing. As I swim to catch up on the ship that sailed that was my family. My bleeding heart was always with my family the beats were drowned out by the rage carried for the hatred and discontent I held for myself. My children have showed me the path back to being myself. Innocent and free living with a smile and positive out look a child's imagination of what is possible in this world. In a life that goes by too fast and is short to begin with I've lost 16 months of memories. All i ever wanted to be was a great father like my father before me and like my grandfather and so on. My tree is full of strong men, so what made me so weak? I've lost all i ever wanted. Which was a reason to get up in the morning a reason to live, a reason to try, now I know what I am supposed to do and am owning everything. I will show these three and everyone else who I really am. So to AJ, Snips and Nalaa, I'm sorry I love you all and I'm back. Those who know me know what that means. Someone or maybe some three brought my smile back. I will be the protector, the provider, the storyteller, the passionate one, the coach, the teacher, the comedian, the disciplinarian, I will be the One. The one you can depend on. So with the words i write I'm asking and pleading for the key back inside. I don't want to miss any more. I can't believe I helped create Kaylie and Jaden they are amazing. They are twins of different ages. They are both funny, They both do the same looks and grins, AJ has the same teeth I had (same gap) same hair it's wonderful. I'm sorry kids I will never forsake you again. I'm so sorry it came to this. I'm so sorry it took this long. I'm just sorry. My whirlwind is over and I'm ready to rebuild the fence that protects you guys.
We will never struggle again that is a promise.


Paying for the sins of the father
AJ

Do not hold against us the sins of the fathers; may your mercy come quickly to meet us, for we are in desperate need.